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Happy Day of the Hearts, everybody! I just wanted to take a moment to give a brief history of this important holiday for those of you who don’t know its true origins. (includes video footage)

Contrary to popular belief, it’s not all about chocolate flowers and fortune-telling heart-candies. It’s about commemorating one of the most important events in modern history.

St. Valentine’s triumph over the villagers of the Salem Witch Trials was not only instrumental in the subsequent European post-modernist period, but it was also the first step made in the American civil rights movement.

With an army of cherubim at his side and Excalibur unsheathed, St. Reginald Valentine stormed the Babel province in search of the Golden Witchcalf. He wasn’t about to let it fall into the hands of the rabid villagers who were merely trying to exploit its golden egg-laying powers to fund their evil drug-trafficking empire. On the brink of defeat, Reggie and his cherubs were forced to combine their powers of Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and heart to summon the only freedom-fighter who could turn the tides of battle for them – Abraham Lincoln.

After defeating the villagers in the Battle of Antietam, still universally recognized as the bloodiest battle of the War on Drugs, Honest Abe delivered his famous “I Have a Dream…” speech. The Washington D.C. crowd roared in excitement as Lincoln concluded by freeing the slaves that he had purchased the prior week. The entire event concluded with an unforgettable musical performance by Michael Jackson and a special guest.

--> This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 14th, 2007 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Bloggish, Comedy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.