Touchblue

The actor’s auditioning process.

Lemme try to wordicize this concept for you. You know that anxious, stomach-juggling, excited yet nervous feeling you get before a first date, or a job interview, or a rectal exam? Okay, now take that feeling and really try to reflect on how powerful it is and feels. How your entire world seems to shake like a snow-globe in the hands of a B-boy in mid-seizure.

Intense feeling, yes?

Ok, now imagine that a critical portion of your career entails feeling that feeling… everyday. Lemme put it this way. Sometimes it feels like the artificial snowy particles in my world have been shookded so feverishly, that they have disintegrated, and now my snow-globe is nothing more than a cloudy glass ball.

That was deep. Mmmmmbut let me interrupt this dashboard confessional to say, that despite all of the angst that comes with auditioning, I do love every minute of it. It’s a chance to play and pretend. A time to challenge myself and my comfort zone. A shot at landing a gig. And of course, it’s an abundant source for material and all around great stories. You can never go wrong with a tale that begins, “At my last audition…”

So you ready for one? K, here goes:

At my last audition… I’m in the little waiting room area, running lines in my head when I look up. And who do I see?

Muhfuggin’ HAWK from MTV’s ‘Tough Enough 2′ reality show!! The one where the winner gets a contract to be a wrestler on WWF… err WWE.. whatever. (If you don’t know who I’m referring to… congratulate yourself, you’ve escaped one reality tv show. Anyway, refer to the pictures.)

So he comes in, and he’s makin eyes at everyone. I guess to see who recognizes him from his reality show fame. And of course I make eye-contact with him. And I’m smiling big time. Not because I’m stoked to see my hero “the Hawk,” but because my insides are laughing like crazy at the fact that my life has so randomly crossed paths with such.. a douche-bag.

Now check this: He thinks I’m smiling at him because I’m one of his many adoring fans… a hawkamaniac, if you will. I know he thinks this, because he gives me a little wink sorta thing. Which was… gross and awkward. I don’t want to fly off on a tangent here, but it was way inappropo. Okay, maybe a little digression. Real quick. Hawk, Listen. Even if I were an eight year old boy and you were my hero, that wink would’ve creeped me out. So from one grown ass man to another, that wink was RIcockULOUSLY uncalled for. Alright, now back to the story at hand… so THEN, he makes a joke..

Acknowledging the fact that we’re all sitting in a room quietly waiting to be called in to audition.. he says something to the effect of, “What is this? The DMV?” Which has to be his stock break the ice in the audition waiting room joke, right?

Laaaaaame.

EXCEPT! At that very moment, my brain registers the fact that I was smiling the whole time I made eye-contact with him, which is what probably prompted his creep wink. And I realize he must think I’m a fan…

AND THAT MAKES ME LAUGH OUT LOUD!!

Just as he finishes his doucherriffic DMV line.

Then, my brain registers that I’m laughing out loud immediately after his lame joke, further testifying my adoration for the Hawkster. Which causes me to abruptly interrupt my laugh with the words:

“Oh shit!”

Outloud.

At this point, I’d like to end my story by depicting it from an objective third party perspective:

The Hawk enters the audition waiting room. A dashingly handsome, young actor can’t take his eyes off of him, smiling incessantly. The Hawk winks at him. Weird. The Hawk extends a lame joke regarding the room’s DMV-like attributes. The young actor laughs hysterically. And without taking a breath of pause, he cuts his laugh, and screams, “Oh shit!” Silence.

Moral of the story: If you concern yourself too much with identifying the douche-bag in the room; you may, in fact, find yourself covered in unsanitary vaginal juices.

--> This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 24th, 2007 at 1:33 am and is filed under Bloggish, Comedy, Pop Culture, Random. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.