Dop_pel_gäng_er [dop-uhl-gang-er; Ger. daw-puhl-geng-er]
–noun
1. a ghostly double or counterpart of a living person.
2. alter ego

You arrive at the club. It’s eight past eleven – not too early, not too late. The work tie and oxford bust a switch with the slightly wrinkled but ready-made club attire stashed in the trunk of Black Lightning. A couple squirts of Aqua Di Gio, half a Ricola to make your cheek stick out the way the barista chick thought was cute, and you’re off. Your entourage is already inside–four of your closest, eager enough to start the evening without the alpha male. The line to get in is longer tonight than usual, and two dozen finely clothed denizens quickly fill in the empty pavement behind you. It’s about to be poppin’ off, for SHEEZ. Just then you hear some rustling and shoving a couple bodies behind you and a girl’s hand grabs your forearm. She smells like vanilla. YES! Your neurons rehearse the coolest sounding “How you doing?” as you turn around expecting a warm smile. She’s gorgeous. And she does smile, but the smile turns quickly into a look of shock, and then disappointment. Your face mimics hers the whole time. What? Nose hairs?! Teeth!? “Ohmagosh! I am soo sorry. I thought you were my friend!” Turtle retreats. “You look EXACTLY like him, it’s crazy!” Done. You’re dead to her now. And let me tell you why. At the precise moment Ms. Thang’s pearly white smile got shook, you ceased being Mr. Man and were now some dude’s doppelganger.

Real talk though, that’s one of the worst things you could say to someone. Ladies, no guy ever wants to be told he looks JUST like someone else, unless that someone is Brad Pitt. And I am three Eskinols, four bottles of hair dye, and six inches short of that goal. Theivery! It’s just like when your older sister’s friends call you ‘Little Lisa’ or ‘Mini Maryann’. You are robbed of your dignity and forced to question your existence in one fell swoop. What if I was born before your friend, huh missy? That means he looks just like ME, since my lifeline began before his. It’s science.

Or is it?

Genetic variation refers to the variation in the genetic material of a population of species. All humans are of the species Homo Sapiens, but no two people in the history of people are exactly the same, not even twins. Or twin descendents of twins. There’s some original gangsta DNA in one that is not in the other. Heck, I’m a creationist myself but the Bible even says in Jeremiah 1:5, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart” Everyone is a unique, one-off, limited edition. Even with all of this, it’s hard not to chuckle when I’m mistaken for someone else at the supermarket or the club. Call it divine comedy, call it natural selection or whatever. I guess I just have ‘one of those faces’. Homogeny ain’t all bad though. In fact, I think in some circles natural selection actually favors doppelgangers.

Patrick Swayze or Kurt Russell?

Gary Busey or Nick Nolte?

Courtney Cox-Arquette or Nelly Furtado?

Russell Crowe or Benjamin McKenzie from The O.C.?

Helen Hunt or Leelee Sobieski?

Mel “Crazy Town” Gibson or Allen “Adam Sandler movie” Covert?

Or my personal favorite, the trio of chiseled white hunkiness,

Tad Hamilton / Johnny Knoxville / Timothy Olyphant

Oh, and why don’t we throw in timeless screen actor Michael Biehn from Aliens and the Terminator series to make it an even four, shall we?





These are just a few snapshots of genetic variation in action. So next time you get mistaken for someone’s double, you should be happy you’re not rejected for a role in the new Scorcese flick for your clone’s whack performance in Coach Carter.




Extended learning:
SNL Doppelganger sketch
MAD TV Arnold Movie sketch




Know a doppelganger combo not featured here? Holler back! Leave a response below!

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